the dirtiest word that i've ever said

Monday, April 19

 
slow motion, see me let go

oh, hullo.

i tuned my guitar and put him in his case. good god, i love that thing. safety in a six-stringed package.

time to get cleaned up and moved out...
adrienne 1:38 PM

Saturday, April 17

 
and the sky was all violet, i want it again, but more violent

did i ever tell you about the chalk heart? a random picture i was drawn to, a brick wall, the heart, and the tip of a finger it was balancing carefully on. the beauty of chalk is that it can be erased or fade a little, but be re-drawn. maybe it's silly. but when you're as low as low can be, strange things are surprisingly soothing.

it's quiet in this place... i feel much safer here.
adrienne 2:44 AM

Tuesday, April 6

 
elope with me miss private and we'll sail around the world

i made my very first background using photoshop today for my other page. poor, poor blog. i'll fix you soon.

again, i owe mel mad props for helping me, even though my installing the program was supposed to make it less work for her. hahaha. my bad.
adrienne 5:58 PM

Monday, April 5

 
we drank 2 bottles of wine
we watched 3 movies and 1 hockey game
erma got stuck in the mud
we pulled her out with a fun little atv
i drove the atv!!
i only drove it up and got caught on one huge snowbank!!
i've never laughed so hard in my life
we did crosswords and read our novels
every muscle in my body hurts from loving him, and being loved, saturday night
we made steak
that was the healthiest thing we ate (mmm)
we took over 100 pictures

this is happiness.

:)
adrienne 2:07 AM

Friday, April 2

 
i wish the telephone had not been invented because i keep picking it up to say stupid things to you

ohhh, blog (again).

it's just a webpage, same as it always has been. why does it feel so strange to write here now?

classes over tomorrow.
exams starting monday.
summer after that.
work all the time.
then more school.
struggle.
tired.

same old. what more is there to say, really?

adrienne 1:40 AM

Monday, March 29

 
musicforthemorningafter

ohhh, blog.
how neglected you sometimes are.
for some reason whenever i come here i feel empty of thoughts. all weekend i compiled things in my head that i wanted to get out... random things... home, work, school, you know. the usual shit-and-not-so-shit. but everytime it was almost out someone was around, or the phone rang, or i had to go. excuses. it's just a journal, you say. it's just the internet, you say. fuck that--it's my friggin writing.

it's the last week of classes. four more days. four days until i should be (but am not) graduated. four days until i'm that much closer to 50 hour work weeks. four days until i go from spending almost every night in someone's arms, to having him an hour away... only to be across an ocean so frighteningly soon. four days closer to panicing because i don't have an f'n sublet yet.

h mc and i had a conversation sunday morning at work. boy's trip, of course. "adam was planning to break up with me before he goes away in july, anyway... how are you and steve?" "we're staying together." "wow. good for you. it's going to be harder on you, eh? he'll be there, with all new stuff, new people, things to do all the time... you'll be here... same old school, same people, same routine as the past four years..." followed by an, "oh god. i shouldn't be saying this!! it'll be fine!!" she was totally cute about it. she felt really bad. one thing i love about her, is that she is genuine and understands. we have our bitch-moments at each other, but we're definitely connected.

but she was right. every day will be exciting for him. every day will be a new adventure. every day for me will be another reminder of the fact that i'm ready to leave. that i reached my point of being done in the winter of LAST semester.

this boy speaks committment to me that i don't dare tell anyone, because they won't believe me. i look at him and i have strength. he is both young and old at the same time, in a good balance. last night he sat on my bed in dim light and i stood in front of him just stroking his face; the light shone on him and he looked like the future. his hair had fallen from it's usual spikey-up-and-messy look to the soft shortness that frames his face so lightly, and his face looked wise. it was almost impossible to take away my gaze. i feel something i haven't felt before, and with all my skepticism, fear, hurt, mistrust... i'm giving myself to him. i hope that really does say something...

...because finland is very far away, and a year is a very long time.

i'm worried sick. every time he mentions it, it turns me silent, because i can feel myself in the car taking him to the airport and clutching his hand so tightly... so tightly...

aaand it's 11:15 and he'll be here soon, -ish... i'm going to tidy my room and brush my teeth. try to be organized. last night i was in bed by 8:30 and asleep by 9pm. i wanted to do that again tonight, but alas. and i work tomorrow night till 11. unfortunate, but tonight mel and i did have a chance to catch up on our sex stories and stupid jokes. very important!

need colour change on this webpage again. soon, pet, soon.

time for sleep.
adrienne 11:16 PM

Friday, March 26

 
it's a strange condition

i'm scatterbrained.
after calling after john but blocked out by his discman (as always; it is attached to his body), he eventually saw me and held the door for me into east... "look at you and your cute pink backpack..." sigh. let it be stated, for the record, that i don't hate him. but you know how these things go.

i have thoughts skipping all over the place. i just want to sleep!
adrienne 12:45 PM

 
beepbeep.

on the way to work this morning erma and i played racecar through puddles. it was hot.
adrienne 9:48 AM

 
it's early, it's raining, and the girl's a bitch.

is it wrong of me to think that now that he's getting the (next) girl of his interest, that he doesn't deserve it? good luck, sweetheart, until you fuck up the next one.

i have to work. that's fine. it's gross out, but whatever.
i'm not going to class in between work and desk training. again, it's gross out. actually, going straight from 5:30am to midnightish on about 4 hours of sleep is just not in my plan for today. so i'm going to come home and make some tea instead...

banquet, ohhh banquet. i want to go, to see people that i love. i don't want to go, because... wait! i'm not going to write anything because somebody will read it and TELL ON ME. what exactly do you have to gain, person?? hmm?

i'm TIRED. that's why i wouldn't go. T-I-R-E-D. and i work full shifts all weekend. that's why i wouldn't go.

fuck.

i want to curl in bed and cry all day. i could pick out a bunch of tiny reasons why i might want to do that, but really, it just seems like that kind of day.
adrienne 6:40 AM

 
my office glows all night long

it's warm. it feels like summer. i'm not entirely looking forward to summer. work is great. but i don't want to stay in guelph. i want to be with my family. i want to be with the boy who will soon leave for a rather long time. i want to watch my house come together. i want to de-stress at the end of the day by having a cat purr in my lap. i want to walk my dog. i won't mind an hour and a half commute to work every day. the answer really to sooth at these thoughts is clear: i just need to win a lottery. then i will have $30,000. then i will buy my diesel beetle, and it will cost $20 to fill up and the needle won't move from newmarket to guelph. with such economy as that, how can i NOT have this car yet?? and living at home, i won't have to pay for rent or food! come on, now! and as the biggest bonus, if i lived at home i could even RIDE occasionally. sigh.

i want this badly. can you tell?

i want to wear skirts. i hope it really gets as warm as they say it's going to get this weekend.

rls banquet is tomorrow night. i wasn't sure if i was going to go, but there are a lot of people that i love and want to see. i feel the weight of the evening being either the make-or-break of the year though. no pressure. oy.

i should be sleeping.
adrienne 1:07 AM

Thursday, March 25

 
and though we are falling stars, we feel just fine... and though it seems we're not far, we need more time

i know it's insane, but i really would commute from newmarket to guelph and back again every day, to do class and work, but to be able to sleep, eat, be safe in newmarket. i'm definitely at a feel-at-home time of my life, which is weird, because in second and third year, i didn't miss newmarket at all. so bizarre, the turning of all events!

there was a lot of talk about family this weekend. my family, his family, him and i and family... stuffs like that, because parents are funny sometimes. his parents are funny in a quiet, set-ways sort of way... mine are funny in a discussing garden hoses and fertilization as metaphors for sex in the car coming home from nice dinner at the keg (mmm steak and wine) sort of way. very different. sadly, it will take a long, long, longlonglong time for our two families to mix together. my parents will scare the shit out of steve's parents. they're crazy in a good, fun way, but crazy. some of you know this. lol. it will work eventually though, of course. his parents just need to learn that i'm really NOT dating him for his family's money. believe it or not, it was his deep eyes and perfect touch that made me fall for him, not the indoor pool and the car. come on now. everyone else wanted the sauna over christmas break when we were hanging out there; i really wanted to sit closer to the blonde boy on the couch.

i need a nap, like whoa.
adrienne 2:20 PM

Wednesday, March 24

 
work was quiet
class was good
desk training was self-explainatory

have done regular other day-time things.
put dishes in sink (yet to wash. i'm slow like that.)
picked up housemates' garbage around kitchen
finally called grannie!
msged by john... in between stages of his life i just float along normally... but when things go suddenly down or suddenly up, i guess it's nice that he likes to tell me...

anyhoo. now i shower, then i pack, then i curl myself in the front right of the jetta and head to a place i can breathe a little easier. :)
adrienne 12:30 PM

Tuesday, March 23

 
(mom)

hi sweetie, i got the day off tomorrow, which i just emailed you about, so i'm looking forward to seeing you... i hope we have a chance to chit-chat a little bit and figure out what's happening. and i love ya, and let me know what time you're coming... i hope it's in time to go to doggy play group at 4:30! but i'm off all day, so i'll be here. love you to bits.

best phone message ever to come home to.
adrienne 11:52 PM

Monday, March 22

 
my neighbour's beating his wife because he hates his life...

i don't really know what to write, but i felt like writing.

i'm sitting in boy's room, he's at his staff meeting. i just came up alone from the caf, after everyone i was with, and everyone i passed along my way back up, headed to their respective meetings. it's only mistrust. i feel nothing else, and i think that's unfortunate. actually, it makes me really sad, because i love a lot of those people, but it's so hard to separate a single from a group. gahhh i want out.

i'm listening to music probably louder than i should be at this hour.

eric and i dated for a year in highschool. it took me a year to get over him. a year until the day that i drove by his street and actually looked up and realized, "i don't care anymore." i didn't date again until after that year had passed; i didn't get over him that way. i needed to wait.

i don't know how i'm getting over john. i know at the moment i'm listening to travis in steve's room. it's weird. every time i walk past his townhouse i look up at his window. i can't remember anything. only random things stand out clear in the back of my head.

him telling me he loved me lying on the floor in the dark, under blankets, new year's eve.
curling up so close on his big bed at his house, watching family guy after dinners.
i would be woken up by him pressing against me almost every morning we were together.
he was such a fucking chicken shit in getting out of our relationship. i am so angry for that.
leaning against his front door at 2am in the pouring rain, wanting to lie alone in the rain forever.
eating pizza and watching family guy on his bed at school, fully clothed, fully seperate. the bed i was naked in.

i don't miss him, but i am not away from him. i have something now much more healthy and true and real.

but i cry over him. i cry and i cry and i am weakened by the thought of him because he turned me weak.

i don't know how to get over him. i want the feeling. the "i don't care anymore" feeling. i want to remember him for the love and not the sickness and the hurt and the anger and the deceit. when can that happen? it hasn't been overly long. i don't want to feel this for a year.





on a completely different note, i think i might actually be having a heart problem of some sort, and it's scary and makes me want to cry, and the earliest dr appt was thursday, and it's only monday night.

if i ever gave up, fully and completely, and went away from all of this, it would be to the song slow motion by third eye blind. there's something so enticing about having the power to hurt yourself.

adrienne 11:01 PM

Sunday, March 21

 
how does that make you feeeel?

if i disappeared it wouldn't matter.
i can't please anyone this year.
i i look healthy on the outside, they tell me i'm healthy on the inside, but i'm really not healthy.
john really fucked me up this year.
i was forced into early adulthood.
steve and i fell into an incredible love in two months. no, i didn't think it was possible either, but here you go.
who are you, journal-exposer? do you have the balls to tell me?
i wish there hadn't been multiple deaths in my family this year.
i have to buy a bridesmaid's dress.
what does the word, "marriage" mean to you, and how do you know when you want to do it?
gooooooooooooooooood dammit, this city makes me want to kill myself.
i decided today, reading an article in macleans, that i think i might actually want to teach elementary school.
i just saw an ra that doesn't live in the village, walking out of the village with a pager. 11:01... time to go home for rounds. funny.
i miss my mom.

this is random and dumb.
adrienne 10:58 PM

Saturday, March 20

 
if you star-wipe all your past away and the sun burns one more day

mom said she's sorry that there isn't an extra $30,000 lying around to get me my car. she seems to think there's not even $15,000 for a used one... and there's not, obviously. i knew this before. for three years i've been feeling a greater and greater edginess... the need for flight or fight ((the need for flight)). and i don't have that. i don't want to fight... but i need to be able to get away from here...

time for sleep...
adrienne 1:25 AM

Thursday, March 18

 
massive suicide dreams, the feel long and warm, the girl will school you, the girl will...

ohmygod, this album is incredible.
it's times in life like today that i realize that music really is my saviour. maiming aside.

boy made a double bed with mattresses on a south single room floor. we're going to watch movie and curl up in a comfy paradise.

love. this. album. it makes me feel all... what?... something inside. defiant? not sure why, but i like it.

what else tonight? oh yeah. it can't be that hard to find $30,000, right? dear: new beetle. y'know how i've been in love with you since you came out? how many years ago was that? and my parents got me the little model of you in your beautiful lime green in highschool and i scoffed at them for their "joke" yet secretly stroked your tiny self! don't you think i really deserve you now?? pleeease?? i'll work MY ASS OFF and not buy anything else (except cds. but that doesn't count...) FOREVER. thanks, and i love you. adrienne.

WHY AREN'T YOU MINE.


boy's going home tomorrow for a night. i'm so jealous.

i think i'm going to put pajamas on.

wow, my thoughts just ended rather suddenly.
adrienne 11:35 PM

 
i painted my nails today.
i wish i could have sex right now.
that's all.
adrienne 5:07 PM

Wednesday, March 17

 
how can the world want me to change? they're the ones that stay the same...

hi.
you.
yep, you.
i know you're here.
you, who i'm pretty sure i could pick out from a small list of names.

remember that time, in like, kindergarten, when you learned that "tattle-taling" was not very nice? remember that time?

i remember that time.

what you did was so sad and hurtful, especially because you are pretending you know so much, and yet clearly know so little... you point out the parts that make you look like you're helping some situation, but you fail to support your own argument, which is pathetic and selfish. do you feel good about yourself? good thing the truth was cleared up.

i feel like i'm scrambling to clean up so many people's messes...

so yeah. that time, in kindergarten. maybe it was even before that. i don't know, but i'm sure it was a lesson taught and learned many times over.

maybe you were away that day.
adrienne 8:56 PM

 
but i'm still in love

boys can't have their "time of the month" at the same time as girls do. we can't help ours. so it's not fair!!

i have to go be productive now.

ps i heart the stills.
adrienne 10:41 AM

Tuesday, March 16

 
selling lemonade to the overpaid

today i bought the most adorable winter jacket. being mid-march, it was on sale for $15!!! FIFTEEN! adorable. aaaand hats and mitts on sale too... it was at bluenotes, and you know the multi-coloured knit dealies that are all the rage these days... no way i'd pay the regular like $15-20 whatever they were for hats and scarves, BUT $2???? why not! so i bought the scarf (so long and soft) and the hat with ear flaps! that after working an entertaining and easy 5 hour shift at work. what a tuesday.

today i also got the lecture notes i missed for music and pop, and so am ready for midterm on thursday. met em in the library... the first time i've been in the library all semester. haha. shows how much i hate it. it just has an uncomfortable smell and feel. blech.

i'm shaking as i type. i need to eat something dinner-like, since i've yet to eat that.

adrienne 10:20 PM

Monday, March 15

 
take my hand and come with me into this crystal village

oh darling chris, great minds think alike! what a good song :P ps congrats on your gig and your review... i'm endlessly excited for you! can i be in your music video when you make one? pleeeeeease? it's my dream!!

wholly crap. every horse-loving girl that grew up in the early 80s will want to see this. that's me!!

today i went to class, i worked 8 hours, and have yet to have a nap. and since it's 10:30pm, that means i will have made it through today without napping! gah! i don't believe it either. i'm tired, but i have still to spend a couple hours with my map of algonquin. i also have to update my resume, which i despise doing, and probably could put off until tomorrow. actually, i probably will. but this is okay, since i only work until 8:30pm tomorrow, too. wtf!? how did this happen. nice in some ways, but also sucks because i only work about 36 hours this week, 31 next week, and 12 (or maybe 20, if i pick up a shift, which i hope to do) the week after THAT, which in total equals... not enough money. but anyway. will update resume tomorrow.

i still haven't called my grannie. CRAP. i will mail her card tomorrow, and call tomorrow AS SOON AS I'M HOME FROM WORK.

today i got email from my mom, and wrote her back, which is good because it feels like days since we've written, and usually it's like two emails a day. i feel safer with life in general just having emailed my mom. sigh.

bahh i expect cramps any minute. d'oh. happy monday; f'n uterus.

i have to go get intimate with some lakes now. i'm random tonight, what can i say?

adrienne 11:21 PM

 
we'll have halloween on christmas

all around my townhouses are pictures of people running for east village exec positions. all people of whom i have no idea who they are. this makes me sad. three years of being a face, of being respected, of having status... and then you're gone. i've had my years, my friends are having theirs, and soon we will all be forgotten. it happened in grade school, it happened in highschool, it's happening now. it's sad. it's sad because it is just another one of the so many things that are making me selfish. making me just want to get through, go through the motions so that i can start my life as a real person in the real world with my real friends and my real family and my real jobs, and that is that. have my house. my cars. my family. my holidays. my sick days. my vacations. my stressful days. and on all those days a personalized cushion of people, places, and hell, my own couch, to fall on when i need to. don't regret anything i've done, but it is all very sad to me. good things and bad, i feel selfish and upset, and i crave the idea of "settle".

i finished my book about two hours ago, and since then have done nothing productive except tidy my room a little and put my laundry in the dryer. well i guess i tidied my room a fair bit, so that's good. and at this point now i have taken my laundry out of the dryer... i should probably fold it... i should go to bed soon so that i can make it through tomorrow without napping. i should be able to. i work 12-8:30, so i can read in the morning after class/before work, and then read more or sit and be mindless in the evening after work.

i moved my fish during the room-clean, and now they're on my desk so i can look at them all the time. so cute.

this is linus. he's tiny and supercute.
here he is talking. for a tiny fish, he has a lot to say.



adrienne 12:22 AM

Sunday, March 14

 
landslide baby

being the good fourth-year guelph student that i am, i attended the college royal ball last night. as far as events go, it was bizarre and i don't see what the big hype has always been for. if i wanted to pay $20 for cover to get into the keg or dance in the uc courtyard, i would. well, i wouldn't, actually, but that was what this night was. the jazz in the faculty lounge was beautiful though. and i'd even say nice enough to make $20 worth it. aside from the fact that the hype over this makes no sense to me at all, the night was awesome. veronica's and my impromptu trip into le chateau (dodging the slutty stuff) resulted in my buying a gorgeous baby blue satiny strapless dress and adorable silver shoes and bag (hence the cinderella references of late) and i felt wonderful. it was all really a random fluke too, which made it that much nicer. money, shmoney. i've worked a lot lately. steve looked awesome. he was all in black with a hot grey/black/silver tie, and was entirely drool-worthy. the perfect combination of hot mixed with adorable, and lucky me, i got to take him home. sherry came in from toronto, and spending the eve with her and robin made me the happiest kitten. the random encounters with people i haven't seen for a long time also made the night awesome. some past RAs, some people from class... wonderfuls including some of my students from johnston last year AND some of my girls from mac the year before!! and also JORDAN, who stood staring at me until i finally noticed him... HOT BLONDE hair and all! good god, that kid gives the most fabulous hugs and kisses, and i adore him. we called it quits by about 1am. the purpose of the night (that being the most guelph students gross and drunk as possible) had been attained, and i was done with that. i was happily tipsy. mmm ceasars :)

if you've ever walked barefoot along the winegard brick at night in the winter, you understand some of the pain in walked home in. my poor toes were very unhappy. boy walked slowly with me. my housemate was fucking hammered and started pulling her argument instigation game that occasionally has surfaced before and i've so far ignored, but it was heightened to a drunken level and pissed me off to no end. so i yelled. i'm still pissed, but trying to chill out about it. DON'T keep telling me i'm arguing when clearly it is not i who is putting myself down, talking about other people's issues, and getting frusterated. when i say "i'm done with this" it means i'm done. don't put words into my mouth, it's one of the most obnoxious things in the world.

i will attribute some of my frusteration to approaching pms, but not all of it. don't provoke me.

it's rainy and gross out. the rainy kind of gross that has potential fabulousness hiding in it--the fabulousness of curling up on a couch with a book (which i will do). boy and i had a spat this morning over small things that are, however, important, like privacy, understanding, and stress over school work; he's upset, i'm fruserated but i don't want to be angry with him. he looks adorable today. i kind of just want to sob into his chest and let it out that way. the amount of angry that i feel is clearly not all towards him, but unfortunately i think it will come out in that direction. sigh.

interesting though, i never have an afraid fear when we argue. i found with john i was always so nervous. then we'd discuss and be okay, but now it's just like, "okay. this is happening and this is how we will deal. and i love you." it's different and it's good.

i have to finish a book today. i have to organize my room. i would like to go home soon so that i can clear out a bit of stuff around here... the gazillion formal dresses... bags... jackets... i need to figure out a way to store my cds, other than in huge piles on my dresser... i feel distraught and unorganized. i also need to clean my fish. good lord! i can barely see them :S i think i do that now.

oh sunday. oh sigh.
adrienne 3:48 PM

Saturday, March 13

 
i feel like cinderella :) and at the risk of being horrendously cheesy, i have the most wonderful prince :)
adrienne 7:40 PM

Thursday, March 11

 
for mel, i kick the male species internet-ally in the nuts. a BAM! followed by the sad squeeee of pain. all for mel, because i love her!

miracle upon miracles, i went to bed still in immense amounts of pain, woke up uncomfortable, and then as i sat at my computer at work contemplating how fabulously hi-larious the pissed off killarney camper (or non-camper, in this case) was, i noticed it was more of just a pressure to swallow, as opposed to the feeling of multiple knives stabbing my esophagus. hurrah! and knock on wood. i'm still going to go have a nap now.

i made three hours of pay this morning, having one hour on the phones and then laughing with three other girls as we reviewed washington state. i find it strange that ontario parks accept american express for payment but WA parks don't... :/ also amusing, is how i have to learn to speak like an american. you know, with the "a" sounds very hard and such. i feel like such a fake. mwahaha.

so about that nap. just an hour and a half, i swear.
adrienne 11:04 AM